Ended Too Soon

Flo's chance for revenge came a few weeks later. The carnage was terrible and Robyn was in the hospital for close to a month. Flo served two years for assault and for having purple hair. Her family sighed and got the closet ready for another skeleton.

Life behind bars turned Flo's mauve tresses pale grey and on her return to normalcy she found Regina had retired. Matters between the two women had soured further since Flo had gone to jail - especially when she learned the truth about Regina's nighttime career. It made sharing the bedroom nigh-impossible.

Regina had her own burdens to bear. She'd been forcibly retired and memories of her criminal past were waking her up late in the night. Many nights she wept at her mother's grave, wondering if she'd ever be happy again. Could she bring herself to forgive Flo and be forgiven in return?

After another sleepless night Regina was the first to come forward and begin to make amends. It took some time but eventually the miseries of the past were forgotten like yesterday's chili.

Living the retired life was better than the couple had ever thought. Flo spent her time on the dozen DIY plans she'd figured out while behind bars while Regina kept the First Aid kit fully stocked. They celebrated 45 years together with the rest of the Ficus clan celebrating around them. Except for Robyn, for reasons that may be obvious.

But the criminal element has a long memory. Regina and Flo's happiness came to a tragic end one sun-drenched afternoon. And there were no witnesses... save for one jade-haired old woman wearing a crown of flowers.




The End

Unhappy Hearts (A sad Ficus story)

When she and Regina exchanged rings and passionate embraces Flo never expected to spend her nights alone in a cold bed. Perhaps she should have seen it coming, considering how dedicated Regina was to her job. The adoption plans were in motion and someday Flo would have someone else to cuddle and love.

Regina worked nights; it was as simple as that. Sometimes she was gone all night and came home disheveled and grumpy but Flo understood that. As far as Flo knew, her beloved worked the phones at a brokerage firm uptown and had to keep weird hours. Surely that was the truth... wasn't it?

What Flo couldn't understand was the distrust Regina's sisters and brothers felt toward her. It seemed that whenever she mentioned Regina to them their faces hardened and their mouths clamped shut like traps. They were polite and friendly to a fault with her but they would not talk about Regina with her.

 One afternoon Flo's sister-in-law brought home her new boyfriend. Aldus was every inch a southern gent - sexy, witty, and blessed with hands as warm as his heart. Compared to the lonely nights in her cold, cold bed, this was something Flo felt she could get used to.

It was fun - at first. Regina continued to 'work the phones' every night while Flo and Aldus enjoyed each other's company. The rest of the clan just accepted this turn of events as just another skeleton they needed to keep buried in their gargantuan vault. All save one member of the clan.

Robyn could see the slow change these enjoyments were having on Aldus and decided she needed to move quickly to keep them from becoming permanent. The rest of the clan admitted she could have made her move in a much less conspicuous fashion.




To Be Continued...?

Officer Ficus's Greatest Mission

The alarm went off at Intrepid HQ. There was something rotten happening in the world. Captain Bloomers ran the numbers and determined the best agent for the job.

The call went out to... Officer Ficus; the paragon of policemen, the most valiant of vampires, and the most ramrod of bareback riders.

 "Supervillain King Nut spotted near Little Pyramid. Officer Ficus, you are hereby commanded to report to your contact in Al Simhara and bring the villain to justice. This message will need to be recycled."
Officer Ficus kissed his secretary goodbye and set off for the airport.

 Arriving in a small town west of Little Pyramid Officer Ficus found his contact. The dastardly supervillain had escaped into the pyramid and had barricaded himself behind a wall of sarcophagi. Officer Ficus donned his zinc oxide lotion and went to the Little Pyramid.

 After some thought and study Officer Ficus recalled that King Nut was of a fastidious nature and despised a messy floor. He got to work executing his plan. Soon the terrible supervillain came clamouring out from his refuge to rage over the abominable mess on his foyer.

 After a nasty exchange of curses the mummy chased Vampire Cop out into the sun, hoping to destroy him. The blazing heat quickly consumed the supervillain and that was the end of King Nut's reign of terror. He was buried in a small plasmafruit garden in Al Simhara.

Back home it was nearly Festivus and Officer Ficus, armed with a shiny medal and tons of accolades, returned home. That night the plasma flowed freely.

Malevolent Hydrology

Good evening. On the last episode we discussed the frightening Mr. Tub and his gang of hydrological terrors. Tonight we shift our focus to a cousin species with its own horrors. Tonight we focus on... the pool!

 (Geez guys! How many times do I have to tell you? Wrong kind of pool!) Sound of slides being shifted in the machine (Where is it! Here, pass it here! Hurry!)

 As I was saying, the pool is as much of a threat to hydrophobes as the tub is. In this slide we see a terrified young man - his hair's turned green he's so scared - one of the pool's traditional victims.

 But many pools have certain extraordinary powers beyond the reach of tubs. Here we see two more victims. Witness reports say that they were human before they entered the pool. As you can see, they have been changed into dogs. Luckily the effect wore off within hours.

 For others the damage is merely to the dignity. This unfortunate fellow entered the water and five seconds later his trunks went missing. This was probably a more playful version of the species.

 This capricious behaviour makes the pool into less of a danger and more of a fun time for the hardier, braver sort. This young lady, as you can see, fearlessly slides into the mysterious depths.

This concludes tonight's episode. Remember that the pool, like the tub, can be a dangerous time if you aren't prepared. It's best to be prepared like this young lady just in case you find yourself dealing with... Malevolent Hydrology.

Man's Best Friend

In the beginning, there was a Man. He said, "Let there be dogs!" And there were dogs and they were good. They made the Man happy.

 And there was a dog the Man loved so much he brought this dog into his own home. So blessed was this dog that it could even charm the dead and make them become as friends.

 One day the Man said, "It is not right that a dog should be alone." Thus he brought into his home a companion for his dog. They one day united in great gladness and were never parted.

 Time passed in the Man's house and soon two became four. Psi and Gamma begat Sigma and Tau - good strong children that cheered the Man's heart even more. They were inquisitive pups that had questions at times that their parents could not answer.

 The gnome, out in the coldest reaches beyond the Man's house, found himself bitterly jealous of the Man's new wealth and joy and sought to claim the dogs for himself. After he cleaned their piddle from his head he sought dogs in his own likeness. And thus, even the jealous gnome was soon made happy.

In the warm summery night Psi and his son Tau, now a grown dog himself, ventured out to run and frolic. And the Man was happy with what he'd bought. And then he rested.

Babbies and Hobbies

Kristen blamed it on the seafood she and Brian had eaten at supper. Even a medical intern would know the signs better but they'd been so careful. At any rate, after a quick visit to the hospital they learned it was a false alarm. But being six months pregnant, Kristen knew the real alarm was coming.

To keep his wife's mind off of the topic Brian sat down with her at the domino board and proceeded to lose 30 straight games to her. The man's love knows no depths.

 To prepare for the new baby Brian got down to painting the house. With a spray can. A good thing he was so dedicated to his task - he didn't even see his wife applying her own little touches to his masterpiece.

Babies! Regina was the first to emerge, followed by the belligerent Robert. Kristen eventually went back to work, leaving Brian a reluctant Mr. Mom. Some days were harder than others. Regina was an absolute dream but Robert... well.

 One weekend, while pondering matters intergalactic and watching her son as he finally got to dozing, Kristen had an idea. Space was one of her other interests - the Milky Way most of all. Was there a correlation between parenthood and the stars?

Kristen's proposal for a new form of breast-feeding, based on astronomical concepts, eventually fell by the wayside no matter how optimistic she was. Sad, as it opened up the possibility of men breast-feeding as well. And it seemed to quiet down Robert more than anything else.



The End

Kristen and Brian: the Early Days

Brian's deep introspection lead him to understand that man should not be alone.

Kristen came to the conclusion that love was conducive to life.

New love, true love?

Brian and Kristen were both quite thoughtful and introspective people, and they agreed to a quick and casual ceremony. Brevity being the soul of wit and all that.

When the weather didn't cooperate Kristen ran in to get her bathing suit while Brian did a silly walk in the rain.

When the storm passed the young couple went to the park for a very casual reception.

It's a Fair Cop, gov

The handsome fellow you're looking at is Officer Ficus. I'm just here to tell you about your friendly neighbourhood policedudes. We do much more than chat up the ladies. A large part of our work involves scummy curfew-breakers.

One of my brethren picked up this chap in the wee hours a few nights ago. All because he wanted to sneak a peek at the new bestsellers. A likely story!

Part of our job also involves vandals. Officer Fae here nabbed this law-breaker in a parking lot several nights ago. When he tried to bring her in, the scum had the cheek to ignore him to play Silly Goats! What a nasty character my wife - er - I mean - this woman is! Of course that's not my wife. Definitely not. Ah, moving along!

While we do get the occasional vandal most of our time gets spent catching curfew-breakers. Some of them are so desperate to not get caught that they try playing dead. As you can see, this doesn't work.

Luckily some of our perpetrators have the right idea; like this sensible young lady. Of course, if she was more sensible she wouldn't have gone scrimping at 4 in the morning.

That's all for now from your friendly neighbourhood policedudes. Keeping the community safe for young and old alike.