Sunday, May 17, 2009

Introspective and inquiring

I paint a frustrating picture of myself whenever I look within to examine my flaws. I've been reading 'The teachings of Kirpal Singh' and this Sikh mystic has been reinforcing just about everything I've read about where self-introspection is concerned. Doubting, fearing, easily irritated, and just plain unmindful of other people's feelings. This negative picture pleases my oppressive superego to no end, but Singh suggests that transcending this whole mess is possible. He passed away in 1974, so he was no stranger to the 20th Century, and still he had faith in humanity. Kudos to you, sir! Perhaps it's the cynic in me, but there are not many people who would willingly confront their demons and work as hard as he would like them to work. Then again, he reiterates that to make any progress, one cannot go it alone. This is a universal point of view. One needs to find a teacher or guru and seek his/her help to completely transcend all these illusions.
This is the part I'm presently working through, and where my doubts do battle with my hopes and my common sense. It would be nice to just take a little walk and find a guru or a teacher who would be willing to guide me all the way through. I feel I've reached some sort of crossroads and cannot go much farther alone. However, while I would like very much for there to be some sort of teacher nearby, my doubts assure me that such a teacher would not have the wisdom nor skills (read: certification or pedigree) to help me. A teacher/mystic like Singh would be wonderful to have nearby, but not very probable. The ones with the right skills (again, read: certification) doubtless live in China, Japan, India, or California, and all those places are currently beyond my reach.
Feels like a Catch-22, doesn't it? On the surface of it, I don't want to be lead astray, but at the same time, I don't want my trust betrayed. That's at the base of it. Whom to trust? Trust issues. That's something I have to keep working on. If I can transcend my doubts and place my trust in a teacher in the hopes that he/she can and will help me go beyond, I'd be pulling off a minor miracle. The cynic in me warns against such an action. Anyway, that's what's going on inside my head right now. Meanwhile, 'The teachings of Kirpal Singh' is a very insightful book. I'll return to it in a year's time, I figure. BYE.

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